I Have a Shadow

Have I mentioned before that I enjoy my solitude? If you left me stranded on a deserted island, all I would need would be an endless supply of books (and food). I wouldn't need anyone to talk to. I wouldn't need anyone to entertain me. I wouldn't need to socialize. I am happy being with myself. After living alone so long, it has been an adjustment to get used to having a child around. Children require your attention. They need to be watched after. You have to talk to them. You have to check on them. You have to do stuff for them. They need to be coached, led, supervised, encouraged, taught, loved, hugged, fed, tucked into bed, given clean clothes, safe guarded, and paid attention to. When I got married, I knew my husband came with a son. I didn't realize that the child was going to be a black hole of need.

When I came to this realization, I called my mother ....
"Mom, I just wanted to say, I'm sorry for being such a black hole of need for you and Daddy. I have realized that no matter what you do or what you've done that I'll always need something from you and you'll have to give it to me because I'm your child. I'm sorry about that."

"Jacque, have you lost your mind? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that I am learning that providing for a child is much more complicated and involved than I ever thought it could be. This isn't like babysitting. At eleven o'clock in the evening I can't give him back to someone. He's here. He's always gonna be here. It's up to me to take care of him all the time. It's like trying to fill up a hole that is bottomless."

"Well honey, your father and I have done, and continue to do, whatever we can to help you no matter what because we love you. We'll always be here for you."

"Mom. Get real. You had two of us. Me and my brother. We were just 11 months apart. Surely you were overwhelmed at times."

"Well, to be honest, yes. I got overwhelmed a lot. You were a huge aggravation. You never liked anything I tried to do for you. You never cooperated with me. Your brother always argued with me. It was a very difficult time for me. And the whole time you were growing up, your father was contributing in the best way he knew how by working all the time but that didn't help me out with the day to day aggravation."

"I'm sorry, Momma."

"Well don't apologize, Jacque. You're my baby, regardless of your age, and no matter what it may take, I will always do whatever I can possibly do for you."

"But doesn't it seem like a loadstone hanging around your neck? From the time I was born until we're no longer together on this earth you'll always be stuck with me and whatever I need."

"Don't get me wrong, honey. Parenting is a tough job and a difficult chore even in the best of times. But you love your child and that love gives you energy when you're exhausted and it gives you forgiveness when you are hurt and it gives you joy even when no one says 'thank you'. Your love for your child, and their love for you, replenishes what it takes out of you."

"Oh? Hmmm. Ok."

"Listen to me. There is nothing wrong with you. You got cheated. It's harder for you than a normal mother."

"Cheated? What do you mean?"

"He is not your son. You didn't get to start a relationship with him until he was already grown and becoming an individual with his own ideas, preferences, thoughts, and pre-conceived notions about life. You didn't get a chance to fulfill his needs when he was vulnerable. You didn't get a chance to fall in love with his baby-antics. You didn't get a chance to teach him what you know he should have been taught. And you didn't get a chance to bond with him without the spectre of his previous life coloring his heart and interfering with his ability to trust."

"Oh. Yes. I see what you mean."

"You love him. I know that. I don't think his father would have married you if he didn't know that. But you're the one who gets the short end of the stick. You're doing all the work of a parent but there is no inner reward for you. It doesn't make you a bad person. It's just the way it is. It's ok. Don't beat yourself up over it."

"Oh. I see. Thank you. I've been worried about that. I don't know what else to do but to be as much of a mother as I can be and as much as he'll allow me to be. You know I'm not a lovey dovey kind of person. I've never been interested in babies or stuff like that. This feels very odd at times."

"It's all right. You can't expect a fish to fly. You are who you are. Just be glad that you are capable of doing what is needed and that you have enough sense to manage things and that I gave you an example to follow that won't fail you. Your father and I were not perfect parents by any means. But the fact that you and your brother are still alive, not in jail, and are successful and contributing members of society makes me feel like I accomplished something."

"Oh. Ok. I see."

"Honey, do you need anything else? I only have about 30 minutes to watch the episode of Days of Our Lives that I taped before your father forces me to watch something on TV I won't like."

"Oh, no. But thank you. I appreciate your support. Have a good evening and I love you."

"Night night, honey. I love you, too."

So there it was. The truth of the matter. What was I supposed to do with that? My husband told me to give it time. It's been 5 years. A lot of things are much better than they used to be. Some things are not. Now that he's 15 he wants to be talking and interacting with me. I don't know what to do with that. Every time I turn around, there he is. He follows me around the house ... talking about things at school, making observations about stuff, and cracking humorless jokes. Last night he was playing in his room while I was on the computer. I got up, left the computer, turned off the light, and walked into the living room. He immediately jumped up and followed me in there. I turned around and he was just looking at me with some kind of expectation like it was a given that we should be in the living room together ... like it was where he thought he was supposed to be or something ... with me. How odd.

Could it be possible that the one person who has forcefully shoved him through 5 years of "home training" and "mothering" he didn't think he needed is now someone he wants to be around? What's up with this? He's following me around everywhere I go. He wants to talk to me all the time. The other day he followed me to the bathroom, standing outside the closed door telling me in detail about some kind of science experiment they did in class and he kept talking while I flushed, came out of the bathroom, washed my hands, and walked back into the kitchen. What's up with that?

Just to relieve your worries, please know that I am not rejecting him in any way. I show interest, interact with him, ask questions, converse with him, and tease him about his humorless jokes. But in the back of my mind I keep wondering ... what is going on? This is odd. I am confused.