The Hordes Are Coming

Halloween is coming! Halloween is coming! Are you ready? I am!

When I bought my house and moved in, I was so looking forward to actually having trick-or-treaters coming to my door. I carved two pumpkins. I decorated my front porch. I bought a load of candy. I set up a "waiting station" at the front door ... chair, the candy, a book to read, and a drink. I would be sitting there, entertaining myself and sipping my Diet Coke, while waiting for the doorbell to ring. And because I was curious, I had a pen and tablet of paper because I intended to count how many trick-or-treaters came to my door. I was ready!

I am sure that sounds rather ridiculous - counting the trick-or-treaters. But I wanted to know. So every time the doorbell rang, I counted how many kids I gave candy to, and after shutting the door I would record the number. And at the end of the night when I was out of candy and turned off the porch light, I got my calculator and added it up. 148 trick-or-treaters. I had spent about $25 on candy that year. That meant that I spent about $0.17 per kid. That didn't seem bad.

The next year, I did the same thing. At this point, my boyfriend/soon to be husband was there and watching me. Of course he thought I was insane when I set up my waiting station and got my pen and paper. He made fun of me. But I counted again anyway. There was a huge jump in trick-or-treaters! Word must have gotten out that our neighborhood was giving out great candy or something. I had 215 trick-or-treaters this time until the candy ran out. I spent about $35 on candy this time. So I spent $0.16 per kid that year. Not too bad.

The next year, I counted again. I don't know why. I just HAVE to know for some reason. My husband participated this year and sat in the chair at my waiting station and counted trick-or-treaters for me while munching on candy. We had a surprising 275 trick-or-treaters. I spent $50 on candy that year. So I spent $0.18 per kid. But now I was getting alarmed.

Where were all these kids coming from? I knew we had a bunch of kids in my neighborhood, but this was getting ridiculous. I saw big vans and SUVs cruising the street in front of my house and gaggles of kids roaming around. These didn't look like the people who lived in my neighborhood. When did it become OK to trick-or-treat outside your normal territory? And who were these people busing their kids into my area?? This didn't seem fair. And my cynical side kicked into high gear.

The following year, I counted again. I made it to 250 before I just got overwhelmed and couldn't keep up. I still only spent $50 on candy. I refuse to spend more than that on bags of candy to give to strangers. Maybe if I was giving out frozen ears of corn, which are nutritious and delicious, I would spend more. But kids don't want corn when they are trick-or-treating and would, of course, leave it littered all over my yard. But I just am not going to spend more than $50 on candy.

And then, these kids coming to the door were so lazy! Some of them hardly bothered with a costume. Many of them just stood there, holding out their stuffed pillow cases for me to drop candy into. They didn't even say "Trick-or-Treat!" They just stood there - silent - just EXPECTING the candy for doing nothing. That's what is wrong with this younger generation. They're probably pissed they have to walk door to door to even get the candy in the first place and that their mother or father don't do it for them. I don't give candy to the kids who don't make an effort.

"What is that costume?"
"I'm a country singer."
"You look like your wearing what you wore to school today."
"Yeah, well. I put on some boots."
"That's not a costume, then. No candy for YOU!"

"Hello? Aren't you going to say anything?"
"What?"
"Aren't you supposed to say Trick-or-Treat?"
"Huh?"
"No effort - no reward. No candy for YOU!"

"You look like you're 18 years old? What are you doing trick-or-treating?"
"I'm getting free candy, dude."
"Not from me, you're not. No candy for YOU!"

I started hearing their comments as they walked back down my driveway to join their friends or parents, "That lady wouldn't give me any candy!", "Did you hear her?", "What the hell?", "What a bitch!" I was not surprised when someone smashed my pumpkin in the driveway. It only cost $2.00.

Isn't there some kind of Halloween Etiquette?? The first Halloween I actually remember I think I may have been 5 or 6 years old. I can't remember my costume. But I remember my Daddy taking me and my brother around the neighborhood. I was TERRIFIED! I held onto his hand like it was a lifeline as he drug me up the walkways to these strangers' porches and rang the bell. The door would open and someone would pop out with a bowl. My brother would shuffle in front and bump me out of the way (I guess so he could be first and thereby get the most candy or something - he seemed much more clued in about what we were supposed to be doing than I was) and scream "Twick-ow-Tweat" at the top of his lungs. My Daddy was very specific in his instructions ... "Aaannncchhh! Just take ONE. Good girl. Now what do you say?" And I would chorus, "Thank you" with my brother and then Daddy would lead us to the next terrifying house of strangers. I actually never liked Halloween all that much.

One year I didn't even want to go. I stayed home and sat on the stairs by the front door and watched my mother answer the door. My mother had a blast doing that. She loved to slowly open the door and then jump out and scare the kids. She kept the front porch dimly lit and would open the door slowly so it would squeak. Then she would pause for a few seconds until the kids were getting skittish before jumping out from behind the door and hollering "BOO!" at the top of her lungs. One time Momma did this and the poor little kid was so freaked out she screamed, "Merry Christmas!!" and burst into tears. Poor little kid. My mother thought it was a hoot. And then one time Momma ran out of candy and ran into the kitchen and, like a Ginsu knife commercial, she chopped up big hunks of sweet potatoes, "They'll never know! It's dark. They'll feel something heavy drop into their bag and they'll think they've got something good! They won't know it's sweet potatoes until they get home! MUUUHHHAAHHHAA!" I know I spent several hours the next day picking up sweet potato chunks out of the front yard. Somehow, in the dark, those kids KNEW she was pulling a fast one on them.

As I got older, I started having more fun because I wasn't so scared. I would roam the neighborhood with my brother and our friends and we would get piles of candy. This was before the razor blade in the apple scare and people gave out cupcakes and slices of cake and popcorn balls and cool stuff like regular sized candy bars or toys. These days I look at the haul my step-son comes back with and wonder if everyone shopped for candy at Goodwill or something. Then I remember that an entire third world country just came through our neighborhood like a plague of locust and we're all lucky we were able to afford enough to appease them and keep them from taking our cars and lawn mowers or something. My step-son comes back with the usual "fun sized" candy. But actual chocolate candy is rare. There's an abundance of suckers - yuck - and taffy, gummy, sour stuff - yuck - and someone gave out kool aid packs and someone covered a pencil with white cloth like it was a ghost and several people gave out RELIGIOUS PAMPHLETS. What the hell is up with THAT?!

Anyway, I expect these beggars to be polite and participate in the activity if they come to my door. I try to compliment their costumes if they went to a lot of trouble. I try to be nice and friendly to the very little ones who are just as scared as I remember being. But I don't put up with the riff-raff anymore. If you can't participate - no candy for YOU!

Oh, and one year seemed to be the year of uncontrollable kids. Oddly enough, several times I opened the door that year, the kids just came barging into the house! They just walked right in and started wandering around. Their parents stood on the doorstep, "Now Katie, you come back here. You're not supposed to go inside. Katie? Katie??" Meanwhile little Katie is in my kitchen opening the fridge and getting ready to make a sandwich or something. I was like, "Hey - woman - get your damn kid outta my house! Jesus Christ!! She needs to be dressed like a dog so you can put a rope on her or something!" I mean, can you imagine?? Just WALKING IN??!! Good grief. After that I let my dogs loose so their barking would intimidate the kids who wanted a home tour in addition to free candy. For God's sake!

Now I've been through 8 Halloweens. I don't count the trick-or-treaters anymore. I spend about $35 on candy and although I still set up a waiting area at the front door, I don't bother trying to read a book while I wait. I participate until the candy runs out. Then I turn off the porch light and sit on the couch in the dark eating the stash of candy I culled from the bowl, feeding my doggies the skittles, and waiting on my step-son to return with his haul so I can check for razor blades, pull out all the Reese cups, and catch up on my religious pamphlet reading.

Get ready - the hordes are coming to your neighborhood soon ....