Instant Sex Education

This week starts the annual Sex Education week in our school district. For a week the boys and girls will be separated and will be taught sexual education stuff. I have no idea what they are teaching. The materials are “on display” at the school for anyone to review ... but you need an appointment made through the principal in order to see them ... and they’re only available to be seen for one week ... and they’re only available one hour a day. It’s like the curriculum is top secret or something. It’s like they don’t want too many people to see the material for fear that it will spark some local controversy. Well I, for one, am thrilled that the school district offers Sex Education ... let’s call them “workshops” because they’re only 1 week long each year from 5th grade to 9th grade. So it seems more like a workshop.

The first year the boy went, I asked all kinds of questions...

“What did you learn today in Sex Ed??”
“Umm ... noth’in.”
“You had to have learned SOMETHING. What did you do for an hour in the class?”
“Umm .. we learned about stuff.”
“Stuff? What stuff??”
“Umm ... body parts and stuff like that.”
“Ooohh?? So what was a body part that you didn’t know about already??”
“Ummm ... I dunno.”
“What do you mean you don’t know? Either you knew all about them or you didn’t.”
“Ummm ... I knew them already.”
“Well if that was the case, then why did you say you learned something new?”
“Huh? What was the question?”
“Body parts? What body parts did you learn about?”
“Umm ... just parts.”
“Be specific.”
“Umm ... like, the names of them.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s the name of one of your body parts?”
“Ummm .... you know.”
“Yes, I know. But do YOU know?”
“Yeah.”
“Well tell me.”
“Umm .... (super soft whisper) penis”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. What did you say?”
“Umm ... (still a whisper but just a tad louder) ... penis.”
“What? You’ll have to speak up. I can’t hear you at all!”
“ (still very low) ... Penis.”
“What?!”
“PENIS!”
“Well you don’t have to scream about it. That’s it? You just learned that one word?”
“Umm ... no ...we learned others.”
“Can you spell it?”
“Huh? Spell what?”
“Your penis. Can you spell it?”
“What?!”
“Do I sound like I’m speaking Greek or something? Can you spell penis?”
“Why would THAT matter (starting to get really anxious about this conversation)?”
“Well, maybe their gonna give you a vocabulary test or something. Maybe you should make some flash cards.”
“What? No. I don’t need any flash cards. There’s no grade for this. There’s NO TEST. I don’t have to study or anything!”
“Are you sure? Certainly there must be some kind of test to make sure the class absorbed the information? No test??”
“No. No tests.”
“Hmmm ... that seems odd. Well, anyway. You still need to spell it.”
“What?”
“Penis.”
“What about it?”
“Spell it – just so I’ll know you’re paying attention in class.”
~he was quiet for several minutes and then he spelled ~
“E-M-B-A-R-R-A-S-S-E-D”

The husband suggested I just stop talking about it. So I did. And for 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, nothing was said. I signed the permission papers and he got a week worth of Sex Education each year.

Now he’s starting a week of it in 9th grade at the highschool. This time HE brought it up the other day on the way home, “Despite cultural myths,” he says, with a lead-in that sounds like a direct quote from whatever documentation he’s being taught, “drinking Mt. Dew, Vault, high caffeine and those energy drinks does not have a negative effect on your sperm count.”
“Oh really? Well I’m not too worried about my sperm count considering I don’t have any in the first place. Are you worried about yours?”
“Oh no, ma’am. But have you heard that myth before?”
“Nope. Is that what you learned in Sex Education today?”
“Yeah. And this year it’s not being called ‘Sex Education’. They’re just calling it ‘Sexuality Awareness’.”
“Oh? And just what is Sexuality Awareness? How to figure out which way you’re gonna swing? To the boys or to the girls??”
“Uhh .. I dunno ... “
“Well, when you figure out which way you’re gonna go, let me know. It might have an impact on what I get you for Christmas.”
“Oh my god!”
And that ended that conversation.

So as we drove home today, I asked, “Well, what did you learn about in Sexuality Awareness today?”
“We watched a video showing us how to do a self-examination for testicular cancer.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“We watched a video … “
“I heard that part. A video? Like some guy naked checking himself out??”
“Yeah. He was coming out of the shower and talking about it and stuff. As soon as I saw he was naked I put my head down on the desk and didn’t watch anything else.”
“It was a video? A VIDEO?? They didn’t just have some kind of pamphlet or brochure or something? You had to WATCH him do it on a video???”
“Yeah. But I didn’t watch it. There was a diagram in the handout but I didn’t look at that either. It was too embarrassing! Everyone was groaning and covering their eyes.”
“Why don’t you talk about it with your father? You and he can share tips and techniques on how to do those self examinations. Why don’t you call him on the phone and ask to discuss it. Then, when the two of you are spending time together in the truck this summer you can practice together.” (barely able to contain my laughter at this point).
“Oh my god! That would just be too weird! NO WAY! But yeah, I could call him. I’d probably wake him up or something. I could say,’Hey Dad? Have you examined your testicles for cancer today?’”
(Both of us laughing hysterically now.)
“Oh God. I dare you to do that! I’ll give you $5 if you’ll do it.”
“Ok!”

Tune in later to hear what happened ….