Is it a 0 or a 6 ... ?

Mid-November I started a new job. I love the place I work, the people I work with, the job I perform, and the pay I receive. This is, by far, the nicest position I have obtained that meets so many of my need and is so wonderfully peaceful. Yes, things get hectic, but I am under such little stress and strain it almost seems like I am on a serene vacation. That having been said, I have discovered a pet peeve that mars the brilliance of an otherwise Utopian situation ...

Its the difference between a 0 and a 6. Our work phone number (which ends in 0) is only one number different than the Greenville Water System (who's number ends in a 6). Everyday I get calls from people who want to discuss their water bill, their account status, repairs they need, or to complain that their water has been turned off, etc. Everyday I explain that we are NOT the Greenville Water System and that they have dialed the wrong number. And everyday there is at least one person who argues with me saying that they have called the number printed on the bill and what do I mean that this isn't the water company if this is the right number?!

My friend Rhett, who used to work in this position but left to go home and be a mommie to Polly, warned me that I would get these calls. She explained to me the problem and why it always happened. She even played saved messages for me from folks who called after hours to complain about their bill or request repair services.

"You da water department? I gotta pay this here bill but I donn't get my gov'ment check till next Friday. But don't you go cutt'in my water off now, ya hear? 'Cause I'll be in there Friday wit my gov'ment check!"

"Yes, this is Mrs. _____ and I'm calling about my account number _____. I sent in my check yesterday and wanted to verify that you have received it. It is 8am at this time. Please call me back at 555-5555 to inform me that it has been posted properly."

"Yeah. Hey. I saw this property down on St. Charles Street and no one can tell me who owns it. Can you give me the name of the ownder 'cuz I wanna rent it but there's no sign or name on the door or nuth'in. You got a name or phone number on this place so I can call about rent'n it.?"

And courtesy of Rhett - our all-time favorite ...

"I'm call'n about Miss ____'s water bill. It's way high and that don't seem right 'cause she don't use much water a'tall. She only takes a bath once't a week and this here bill ain't supposed to be this high!"

What Rhett failed to explain is the timing of these calls. Each day I get at least 2 of these calls and/or messages. That's not so bad. But I've noticed that by the fourth Friday of each month, the call volume increases exponentially because, evidently, it is the last day to pay the bill without being charged a late fee or having your service interrupted/shut off.

Last Friday I know I spent more time answering calls for the Greenville Water system than I did for our own business. Everytime I told them that they had called the wrong number, they would argue with me. Some people get down right angry when you question their ability to dial a phone. One woman called FOUR times to try to pay her bill online. After the 4th time I asked her, that if she had an internet connection, did she have access to Yahoo or Google? She said yes. I said, "Since you can't find the number in the phone book, why don't you search for the right number on the internet?" She called me a bitch and hung up. At least she didn't call back again.

But my all time favorite response I get after I inform them that they have dialed the wrong number is, "Well, what IS the right number?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? Who in their right mind would assume that the wrong number they just called would somehow know the correct number they were supposed to call? That's just downright stupid. My answer, "I don't get my water from the Greenville Water System so I have no idea. Good luck." (CLICK)

And here's just another reason why I'm going to hell ... I actually DO know the number ... I just don't tell them ... I get a perverse pleasure from torturing these idiots. Let me amend that ... I give the number to polite people, elderly people, or anyone sounding frantic like there's a pipe that busted in their home and they're being flooded. Anyone else is doomed to be the victim of my current mood at that moment in time.

• If they're nasty, I'm nasty: "Well this is the number on this damn bill - whaddya mean it's wrong?" "Is your name Johnny? Did you get left behind in math class?" (CLICK)
• If they're insistent, I'm insistent: "Whaddya mean it's not the water department?" "Did I say 'Thank you for calling the Greenville Water System' when I answered the phone? No. There's your sign ... " (CLICK)
• If they're stupid, I'm stupid: "How am I supposed to pay this bill if I can't call them?" "Gee, I don't know. I didn't know people had to pay for water around here. Wow - that must suck!" (CLICK)
• If they're just down right dumb: "But I gotta pay dis here bill. How I gonna do dat?" "Make your check out to my name and mail it to me at this street address and I will make sure to cash it and spend it on buying bottled water for myself. This service will cost you $50." (usually they're the ones who hang up on this one - CLICK)

There seems to be no end to the stupidity of people when confronted with the fact that they have, indeed, called the wrong number. Like I somehow snuck into the telephone control center and crossed those wires on purpose. And it gets on my nerves when they are bitchy or argue with me or ask stupid questions. Doesn't anyone know how to use a phone book these days? I wouldn't have paid much attention to this as the calls are few during most days. But last Friday, when the bills were due to be paid, I know I spent four solid hours on the phone telling people they'd called the wrong number.

I think I am going to devise an alternate greeting for the day when their bills are due and I will not answer the phone at all and let the greeting tell them:

"If you were trying to reach the Greenville Water System then you are shit out of luck because this is NOT the Greenville Water System. I don't care if your bill gets paid or if your water gets shut off or if your house floods. I don't want to hear from you again. It's a SIX, dumb ass - NOT a ZERO!" (CLICK)